If you are anything like me the words ‘doo-hickey’ and ‘thingy-mabobber’ pop up in your conversation far more often than you wish.
So, if you are thinking of getting your special handy-person that power tool for Christmas but aren’t sure the lingo, here is a list of the most popular tools with a description of what they do in language you can understand…
- Drill press. A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
- Wire wheel. Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oy!”
- Skill saw. A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
- Pliers. Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
- Belt sander. An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. It’s a delicate tool where the difference between too much pressure and too little pressure is equal to the cost of a new one of whatever you were trying to sand.
- Hack saw. One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. Better hacksaws should come with band-aids.
- Vise-grips. A not-so-distant cousin to the pliers, vice-grips are used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- Oxyacetylene torch. Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.
- Table saw. A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also used to create that manly ‘burning wood’ shop smell if you can’t cut straight lines.
- Hydraulic floor jack. Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
- Band saw. A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
- Straight screwdriver. A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. Also can be used as a chisel. Comes in many sizes but findable only are sizes either too large or too small for your screw head.
- Phillips screwdriver. Normally used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. When given in conjunction with straight screwdrivers are guaranteed to wipe the smile of holiday cheer off any prospective gift receiver. You may as well throw in some pliers.
- Hose cutter. A tool used to make hoses too short.
- Hammer. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also good at changing thumb nail color.
- Utility knife. Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
- @(%&# Tool. Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “@(%&#” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Happy shopping!